Sunday, 9 November 2014

Why it must never be allowed to rain men

Why it must never be allowed to rain men

Far from being a cause for joyful celebration, 'man rain' as it is described in the hit single - It's Raining Men (Homer Simpson's favourite song) would be a tragedy on a par with Hurricane Katrina, a tsunami, or an alien invasion of Canada.

It is a practical reality that few of the men would survive the fall from several thousand feet. Going out and letting yourself “get absolutely soaking wet” would in this case equate with allowing yourself to be thoroughly drenched in blood and gore and impaled with shards of human bone.

Among the surviving men the majority would be seriously injured, requiring urgent medical attention and, in the long-term, extensive physical rehabilitation. As somebody who investigates and writes on local health issues, I can say that the healthcare providers in my home town of Southend are ill-prepared to deal with an incidence of man rain.

It is likely that on the ground further casualties would result, either directly from the rain itself, or as a consequence of accidents caused by it. Would man rain be intense enough to bring down an aeroplane? I would like to answer 'no' but we all know that the real answer to this question is 'Yes.'

There would be extensive damage to property. Emergency services would be stretched well beyond capacity. It is likely that in some areas the rule of law would break down altogether.

In the aftermath of the man rain somewhere would have to found to store the bodies and the other disparate remains until such a time that these could be identified and the next of kin notified. Every death would need to be treated as suspicious until the police could rule out foul play in individual cases.

The Guardian newspaper would invariably pronounce the man rain as misogynist. For The Daily Mail it would be held up as yet another example of the government's failure to control immigration. The Daily Express would, with some wild leap of media logic, link it to the death of Princess Diana.

Disco music has a way of making mass tragedies seen acceptable (see The Trammps - Disco Inferno). We must condition ourselves to look past the catchy rhythms and infectious melodies and see the human cost that lies beneath.

Monday, 3 November 2014

The Parson's Hassock - Lady Margaret Seacombe answers your questions on matters of modern etiquette

The Parson's Hassock - Lady Margaret Seacombe answers your questions on matters of modern etiquette

In her new monthly column – The Parson's Hassock - Lady Margaret Seacombe bids a fond temporary adieu to her busy social calender of organising charity dinners and giving out the prizes for good attendance in school assemblies, to answer your questions on matters of etiquette in the 21st century.

A refreshingly modern approach to age old dilemmas” - Country Life

Dear Lady Margaret Seacombe

Last week my housekeeper walked in on a threesome involving myself and two other men. She is an unmarried, deeply conservative catholic woman and so was understandably traumatised by the sight of a trio of naked male bodies writhing together in an exquisite carnal ballet, choreographed by deep-seated, libidinous desires that are as old as mankind itself.

How can I apologise to her in a way that communicates that, in my eagerness to see Jason's and Roy's penises, I momentarily forget that it was 11am on Tuesday?

Bill (Clerkenwell)

Dear Bill of Clerkenwell

Bone china is the traditional gift for a transgression of the kind that you describe in your electronic communiqué.

Gladstones' of Old Bromptom manufacture a tea set for precisely this situation. The number of cups will relate to the number of partners who were engaged in group sex. In your case that will be three. The teapot represents the intended recipient of the apology. A design that in some way some way reflects their moral character and beliefs should be carefully chosen.

The nature of the other items included in the tea set will very much depend upon the sex act or acts that were witnessed by your housekeeper. In the interests of maintaining decorum I will not provide a full list here. Gladstones' have a private room where you will be able to discuss the incident further. The staff there are very discrete, broad-minded, and well versed in the colourful vernacular of the boudoir, and the lengths to which men and women will go to avail themselves of sexual pleasure.

You will be asked detailed questions which will be used to refine your apology gift.

The tea sets are made individually to order and may take upwards of three months to finish. In the interim, Gladstones' will send a card of apology to your housekeeper describing the gift and explaining in detail the significance of each item. Based upon some of the graphic details in your letter, which I have omitted here for fear of offending those of more timid sensibilities, I most strongly advise that you order the larger of the two sugar bowls.

Yours in earnest

Lady Margaret Seacombe