The Foundation for the
Advancement of Literacy in Internet Spammers (FALIS)
Only this morning one of my friends on
facebook was bemoaning the appalling standards of literacy among
internet spammers. This is particularly troubling as the success of a
spam email is entirely dependent upon the ability of the spammer to
establish confidence in his or her mark. This can easily be
undermined by a poorly-spelled piece of written correspondence.
- A Nigerian prince is likely to be a
cultured, well-educated gentleman. In writing to request a small
upfront administration fee so that he can gain access to Saddam Hussein's secret
bank account and split the proceeds with you, he is unlikely to
misspell basic words.
- Similarly a worker for UPS is
unlikely to write 'parcel' as 'parsle.'
- It can be hard to place much faith in
a pharmacist offering medication that will transform you into a
god-damn sexual python if their grasp of basic syntax is found
to be wanting.
Spelling
errors are costing hard-working spammers millions of pounds every day
of the year and that includes Good Friday and Christmas Day!!!!!!!
!
To combat this scourge upon 21st
century living, it is with great personal pride that I announce the
formation of The Foundation for the Advancement of Literacy in
Internet Spammers (FALIS). Our noble aim is to improve the
standards of writing in spam email, Underlying our program of
vigorous physical exercise, savage arbitrary beatings and
superficially unrelated tasks, such as painting my fence or doing my
weekly grocery shopping, are the twin founding principles of good
spelling and sound grammar. Why not sign up today and learn the
secrets that really shit English teachers don't want you to know!
I have allotted 45 seconds for questions. If you have any enquiries about this service then please make them now.
Q:
This sounds great. How do I sign up?
A:
It couldn't be easier! Simply withdraw your life savings from your
bank account and then bring the cash, along with any items of gold in your
possession, to our next seminar.
Q:
I can't get to the bank until Thursday. Can I pay you
then?
A:
Our next seminar isn't until Friday so that will not be a
problem.
Q:
You are so awesome. If I take your course is it possible that one day
I will be as awesome as you?
A:
While it is unlikely that you will ever be as
awesome, there is certainly scope for you to be more awesome than you
are in this present moment. Our tried and tested teaching methods and
rigorous examinations will bring you closer to achieving this goal.
Q:
Shit the police are outside! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
What do I do!?
A:
When they bang on the door, keep still and be very quiet.
They will think that you are out and will eventually go away. From
now on do this every time they call.
Okay, that's enough questions. Even
though FALIS has only been in existence for a quarter of an hour we
already have testimonials from our millions of satisfied customers:
“I can't believe that I was
spelling 'you're' as 'your.' What an absolute numpty! Since applying
the lessons I learned in your grammar module, the penis enlargement
business, which has been in my family for five generations, has
increased in size by over 3 inches!”
-
Mr I.M. Made-Up (East Narnia)
“Until taking your course I was
blissfully unaware that my online sexual come-ons were written in the
archaic style of a Victorian prostitute, employing outdated, corseted
terminology such as“improper” and “dalliance.” Now I know how
to compose sexy spam mail that appeals to the modern man. Word up.”
- Shaunese (Tehran)
“Do U want 2 Meet SexY Young
Italian sluts covered in spaGHetti sauce made to a traditi;nal Tuscan
recipe? Of course u do. Who wouldn't? Also you're lessons really
helped even tho I grduated bottom of the clas. Ha HA! I now make
$7325 /hour woking from home. Ask me how!”
- Carlos Danger (Perth)
The
Foundation for the Advancement of Literacy in Internet Spammers
Tu dignus
diploma!
