Postman's Park Memorial (transcript)

The tiled memorial at Postman's Park, just up the road from St Paul's Cathedral, commemorates ordinary lives lost during acts of extraordinary heroism. You can read more about its history on Wikipedia 

The following transcription dates to Monday the 11^th August 2003, when I evidently had nothing better to do other than stand in the park for an hour writing it all down.

I have tried to preserve the original line structure of the memorials although, in some cases, this has been difficult because the text is poorly laid out and words have been sandwiched into small gaps between the lines.

Although the size of the text varies from line to line, and from word to word, I have kept it uniform, in order to make it easier to read.

On some of the memorials the letter ‘V’ is used as a substitute for the letter ‘U’.

Arthur Regelous and Alice Maud (panel 6, bottom row) are also commemorated by a very ornate drinking fountain which can be found in Museum Park, near Bethnal Green Underground station in East London. 

Left to right

1^st Panel
Top Row

ALFRED SMITH
POLICE CONSTABLE
WHO WAS KILLED IN AN
AIR RAID WHILE SAVING
THE LIVES OF WOMEN
& GIRLS
JUNE.13.1917
(Note: This memorial is decorated with a policeman’s helmet design.)

Middle Row

THOMAS. GRIFFIN
FITTERS.LABOURER
APRIL.12.1899 IN A
BATTERSEA SUGAR REFINERY
WAS FATALLY SCALDED IN
RETURNING TO SEARCH
FOR HIS MATE

WALTER.PEART DRIVER
AND HARRY.DEAN FIREMAN
OF THE WINDSOR.EXPRESS
ON JULY.18.1898
WHILST BEING SCALDED & BURNT
SACRIFICED THEIR LIVES IN
SAVING THE TRAIN

MARY.ROGERS
STEWARDESS OF THE STELLA
MAR.30.1899
SELF SACRIFICED BY GIVING UP
HER LIFE BELT & VOLUNTARILY
GOING DOWN IN THE
SINKING SHIP
(Note: This memorial is decorated with an image of a sinking galleon in the bottom left corner and an anchor in the bottom right, both in green ink.)

GEORGE.STEPHEN.FUNNELL
POLICE.CONSTABLE
DEC.22.1899 IN A FIRE AT
THE ELEPHANT & CASTLE, WICK ROAD
HACKNEY WICK, AFTER RESCUING
TWO LIVES, WENT BACK INTO THE
FLAMES, SAVING A BARMAID
AT THE RISK OF HIS OWN LIFE

Bottom Row

JOSEPH ANDREW FORD
AGED 30. METROPOLITAN FIRE
BRIGADE. SAVED SIX PERSONS
FROM FIRE IN GRAY’S INN ROAD.
BVT IN HIS LAST HEROIC ACT
HE WAS SCORCHED TO DEATH
OCT.7.1871
(Note: The memorials in postman’s park were manufactured by Doulton Lambeth., however this is the only memorial in the park to have the name of Doulton Lambeth printed on one of the tiles)

ANGELA KENNEDY
AGED 19
DIED IN TRYING TO
SAVE HER SISTER
FROM THEIR BVRNING HOUSE
IN EDWARD’S LANE STOKE
NEWINGTON. OCT.18.1871

EDMUND EMERY OF
272 KING’S ROAD CHELSEA.
PASSENGER
LEAPT FROM A THAMES
STEAMBOAT TO RESCUE A
CHILD AND WAS DROWNED
JULY 31.1874

WILLIAM DONALD OF
BAYSWATER. AGED 19
RAILWAY CLERK
WAS DROWNED IN THE LEA
TRYING TO SAVE A LAD FROM A
DANGEROUS ENTANGLEMENT OF
WEED. JULY 16.1876

Panel 2
Top Row

P.C. HAROLD FRANK RICKETTS
METROPOLITAN POLICE
DROWNED AT TEIGNMOUTH
WHILST TRYING TO RESCUE
A BOY BATHING AND SEEN
TO BE IN DIFFICULTY
11.SEPT.1916

P.C. EDWARD GEORGE
BROWN GREENOFF
METROPOLITAN POLICE
MANY LIVES WERE SAVED BY HIS
DEVOTION TO DUTY AT THE
TERRIBLE EXPLOSION AT
SILVERTOWN.19.JAN.1917.

P.C. PERCY EDWIN COOK
METROPOLITAN POLICE
VOLUNTARILY DESCENDED HIGH
TENSION CHAMBER AT KENSINGTON
TO RESCUE TWO WORKMEN
OVERCOME BY POISONOUS GAS
7.OCT.1927

FREDERICK MILLS.A.RUTTER
ROBERT DURANT & F.D.JONES
WHO LOST THEIR LIVES IN
BRAVELY STRIVING TO SAVE
A COMRADE AT THE SEWAGE
PUMPING WORKS. EAST HAM
JULY 1^ST 1895

Middle Row

ELIZABETH BOXALL
AGED 17 OF BETHNAL GREEN
WHO DIED OF INJURIES RECEIVED
IN TRYING TO SAVE
A CHILD
FROM A RUNAWAY HORSE
JUNE.20.1888

HERBERT PETER CAZALY
STATIONER’S CLERK
WHO WAS DROWNED AT KEW
IN ENDEAVOURING TO SAVE
A MAN FROM DROWNING
APRIL 21 1889

.HERBERT MACONOGHU.
SCHOOL BOY FROM WIMBLEDON AGED 13
HIS PARENTS ABSENT IN INDIA, LOST
HIS LIFE IN VAINLY TRYING TO RESCUE
.HIS TWO SCHOOL FELLOWS WHO WERE.
DROWNED AT GLOVERS POOL, CROYDE,
NORTH DEVON. AUGUST.28.1882

SAMUEL RABBETH
MEDICAL OFFICER
OF THE ROYAL FREE HOSPITAL
WHO TRIED TO SAVE A CHILD
SUFFERING FROM DIPHTHERIA
AT THE COST OF HIS OWN LIFE
OCTOBER 21.1884.

Bottom Row

FREDERICK ALFRED CROFT
INSPECTOR.AGED 31
SAVED A LUNATIC WOMAN
FROM SUICIDE AT WOOLWICH
ARSENAL STATION.BUT WAS
HIMSELF RUN OVER BY THE TRAIN
JAN.11.1878

HARRY SISLEY OF
KILBVRN.AGED 10.
DROWNED IN ATTEMPTING
TO SAVE HIS BROTHER.
AFTER HE HIMSELF HAD
JUST BEEN RESCUED
MAY 24.1878

JAMES HEWERS.
ON SEPT.24.1878
WAS KILLED BY A TRAIN
AT RICHMOND IN THE
ENDEAVOUR TO SAVE
ANOTHER MAN.

GEORGE BLENCOWE
AGED 16.
WHEN A FRIEND BATHING IN
THE LEA CRIED FOR HELP.
WENT TO HIS RESCUE
AND WAS DROWNED
SEPT.6.1880.



Panel 3
Top Row

DAVID.SELWES AGED 12
OF WOOLWICH
SUPPORTED HIS DROWNING
PLAYFELLOW AND SANK WITH HIM
CLASPED IN HIS ARMS.
SEPTEMBER.12.1886

WILLIAM.GOODRUM
SIGNALMAN-AGED 60
LOST HIS LIFE AT KINGSLAND ROADBRIDGE
IN SAVING A WORKMAN FROM DEATH UNDER
THE APPROACHING TRAIN FROM KEW
FEBRUARY.28.1880

MRS.YARMAN WIFE OF GEORGE.YARMAN
LABOURER AT BERMONDSEY
REFUSIN (the corner of this tile is damaged) TO BE DETTERED FROM MAKING
THREE ATTEMPTS TO CLIMB A BURNING
STAIRCASE TO SAVE HER AGED MOTHER
DIED OF THE EFFECTS
MARCH.21.1990

ALEX R. STEWART BROWN
OF BROCKLEY
FELLOW OF THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF SURGEONS
THOUGH SUFFERING FROM SEVERE SPINAL INJURY
THE RESULT OF A RECENT ACCIDENT DIED
FROM HIS BRAVE EFFORTS TO RESCUE A DROWNING
MAN AND TO RESTORE HIS LIFE
OCTOBER.9.1900



Bottom Row

ERNEST BENNING.
COMPOSITOR.AGED 22.
UPSET FROM A BOAT ONE DARK
NIGHT OFF PIMLICO PIER.
GRASPED AN OAR WITH ONE HAND
SUPPORTING A WOMAN WITH THE
OTHER. BVT SANK AS SHE WAS
RESCUED. AUG.25.1883

THOMAS SIMPSON.
DIED OF EXHAUSTION
AFTER SAVING MANY LIVES
FROM THE BREAKING ICE
AT HIGHGATE PONDS.
JAN.25.1885

WILLIAM FISHER.
AGED 9.
LOST HIS LIFE ON RODNEY
ROAD WALWORTH WHILE
TRYING TO SAVE HIS LITTLE
BROTHER FROM BEING RUN
OVER. JULY 12.1886

GEORGE FREDERICK
SIMONDS OF ISLINGTON
RUSHED INTO A BURNING
HOUSE TO SAVE AN AGED
WIDOW. AND DIED OF HIS
INJURIES DEC.1.1886

Between this and the next panel is the small wooden shrine, commemorating the creator the memorial – George Frederic Watts. On the lintel of the door is the inscription “The utmost for the highest”
At the bottom there is a further inscription:

“In memoriam
George Frederic Watts
Who desiring to honour
Heroic self sacrifice
Placed these records here.”

Panel 4
Top Row



RICHARD. FARRUS LABOURER
WAS DROWNED IN ATTEMPTING TO SAVE A
POOR GIRL WHO HAD THROWN HERSELF
INTO A CANAL AT
GLOBE.BRIDGE.PECKHAM
MAY.20.1878

GEORGE.LEE FIREMAN
AT A FIRE IN CLERKENWELL
CARRIED AN UNCONSCIOUS GIRL TO
THE ESCAPE FALLING SIX TIMES
& DIED OF HIS INJURIES
JULY.26.1876

WILLIAM.DRAKE
LOST HIS LIFE IN AVERTING A
SERIOUS ACCIDENT TO A LADY
IN HYDE.PARK
APRIL.2.1869
WHOSE HORSES WERE UNMANAGE-
-ABLE THROUGH THE BREAKING
OF THE CARRIAGE POLE

ELLEN.DONOVAN
OF LINCOLN.COURT
GREAT.WILD.STREET
RUSHED INTO A BURNING HOUSE
TO SAVE A NEIGHBOURS CHILDREN
AND PERISHED IN THE FLAMES
JULY.28.1873

Bottom Row



SAMVEL LOWDELL.
BARGEMAN
DROWNED WHEN RESCUING
A BOY AT BLACKFRIARS
FEB.25.1882.
HE HAD SAVED
TWO OTHER LIVES

WILLIAM FREER LUCAS
.M.R.C.S.L.L.D. AT MIDDLESEX HOSPITAL
RISKED POISON FOR HIMSELF
RATHER THAN LESSEN ANY
CHANCE OF SAVING A CHILD’S LIFE.
AND DIED. OCT. 8^TH. 1893

EDWARD BLAKE.
DROWNED WHILE SKATING
AT THE WELSH HARP
WATERS. HENDON
IN THE ATTEMPT TO
RESCUE TWO UNKNOWN
GIRLS. FEB.5.1895

EDWARD MORRIS.
AGED 10
BATHING IN THE GRAND
JUNCTION CANAL
SACRIFICED HIS LIFE TO HELP
HIS SINKING COMPANION
AUG.2.1897



Panel 5



ALICE AYERS
DAUGHTER OF A BRICKLAYER’S LABOURER
WHO BY INTREPID CONDUCT
SAVED 3 CHILDREN
FROM A BURNING HOUSE
IN UNION STREET BOROUGH
AT THE COST OF HER OWN YOUNG LIFE
APRIL 24 1881 (?)

JOHN CRANMER
CAMBRIDGE
AGED 23 A CLERK IN
THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL
WHO WAS DROWNED NEAR OSTEND
WHILST SAVING THE LIFE OF
A STRANGER AND A FOREIGNER
AUGUST 8 1901

G GARNISH
A YOUNG CLERGYMAN.
WHO LOST HIS LIFE
IN ENDEAVOURING TO
RESCUE A STRANGER
FROM DROWNING AT PUTNEY
JANUARY 7 1885

JOHN CLINTON
AGED 10
WHO WAS DROWNED NEAR
LONDON BRIDGE
IN TRYING
TO SAVE A COMPANION
YOUNGER THAN HIMSELF
JULY 16.1894



Bottom Row



GODFREY MAULE NICHOLSON
MANAGER OF A STRATFORD DISTILLERY
GEORGE ELLIOT AND ROBERT UNDERHILL. WORKMEN
SUCCESSIVELY WENT DOWN
A WELL TO RESCUE COMRADE
AND WERE POISONED BY GAS
JULY.12.1901

SOLOMAN GALAMAN
AGED 11. DIED OF INJURIES
SEPT.6.1901 AFTER SAVING
HIS LITTLE BROTHER FROM
BEING RUN OVER IN
COMMERCIAL STREET
“MOTHER I SAVED HIM BUT
I COULD NOT SAVE MYSELF.”

JAMES BANNISTER
OF BOW. AGED 30.
RUSHED OVER WHEN AN
OPPOSITE SHOP CAUGHT
FIRE & WAS SUFFOCATED
IN THE ATTEMPT TO SAVE
LIFE. OCT.14.1901.

ELIXABETH COGHLAM
AGED 26. OF CHURCH PATH
STOKE NEWINGTON.
DIED. SAVING HER FAMILY
AND HOUSE BY CARRYING
BLAZING PARAFIN TO THE
YARD. JAN.1.1902



Panel 6
Top Row

SARAH SMITH
PANTOMIME ARTISTE
AT PRINCE’S THEATRE
DIED OF TERRIBLE INJURIES RECEIVED
WHEN ATTEMPTING IN HER INFLAMMABLE DRESS
TO EXTINGUISH THE FLAMES WHICH HAD
ENVELOPED HER COMPANION
JANUARY.24.1863

ROBERT. WRIGHT
POLICE CONSTABLE
OF CROYDON
ENTERED A BURNING HOUSE TO SAVE A WOMAN
KNOWING THAT THERE WAS PRETROLEUM STORED
IN THE CELLAR – AN EXPLOSION TOOK PLACE
AND HE WAS KILLED
APRIL.30.1893

HENRY.JAMES.BRISTOW
AGED EIGHT – AT WALTHAMSTOW
ON DECEMBER 30 1890 – SAVED HIS LITTLE
SISTER’S LIFE BY TEARING OFF
HER FLAMING CLOTHES
BUT CAUGHT FIRE HIMSELF
AND DIED OF BURNS AND SHOCK

JOSPEH WILLIAM
ONSLOW
LIGHTERMAN WHO WAS
DROWNED AT WAPPING
ON MAY 5.1885
IN TRYING TO SAVE
A BOY’S LIFE

Bottom Row



ARTHUR REGELOUS
CARMAN (“LITTLE PETER”) AGED
25. WHO
WITH ALICE MAUD
DENMAN. AGED 27.
DIED IN TRYING TO SAVE HER
CHILDREN FROM A BURNING HOUSE
IN BETHNAL GREEN. APRIL 20. 1902

ARTHUR STRANGE.
CARMAN OF LONDON. AND
MARK TOMLINSON.
ON A DESPARATE VENTURE
TO SAVE TWO GIRLS FROM A
QUICKSAND IN LINCOLNSHIRE
WERE THEMSELVES ENGULFED
AUG.25.1902

JOHN SLADE.
PRIVATE 4^TH . BATT.ROYAL
FUSILIERS OF STEPNEY
WHEN HIS HOUSE CAUGHT
FIRE SAVED ONE MAN. AND
DASHING UPSTAIRS TO ROUSE
OTHERS LOST HIS LIFE.
DEC.26.1902.

DANIEL PEMBERTON
AGED 61
FOREMAN. L.S.W.R.
SURPRISED BY A TRAIN WHEN
GAUGING THE LINE. HURLED HIS
MATE OUT OF THE TRACK.
SAVING HIS LIFE AT THE COST
OF HIS OWN. JAN.17.1903



Since I made this transcript a further memorial has been added to the wall, dating to 2007 and commemorating the heroism of Leigh Pitt.

Luke Haines vs Imaginary Newsprint-Era Jazz Nazis

The truth was self-evident to all who cared to open their eyes and embrace it, as one might embrace an estranged uncle who has been cleared of embezzlement charges, or a bedraggled, wild-eyed cat who has finally returned home, having been missing, presumed dead, for several days:


In 1945, in the immediate aftermath of the Second World War, high-ranking Nazi officers who had been reluctant to submit to the wrath of the encroaching Russian forces, and who were similarly unwilling to surrender to the Americans, had assumed false identities and fled to Britain in their thousands. Here they concealed themselves en-masse among the oikish ranks of junior music journalists – a workforce over 100,000 strong, which had been mobilised by Churchill to meet the insatiable public demand for record reviews and opinion pieces concerning the latest hot youth trends.


By 2010 many of these individuals had risen to the slightly less junior position of staff writer at their respective publications. It was in this role that, with methodical Germanic precision, they had conspired to undermine the strength of Great Britain's mighty pop navy, penning divisive rhetoric against the nation's best and brightest bands, to whom they would mete-out disdainful 3 star / 6 out of 10 reviews. It was these same writers who had turned a blind eye as a rag-tag parade of shiftless tossers ambled onto the front covers of The NME and Melody Maker while, inside these journals, their plodding deviations into lumpen glam rock were routinely awarded 9 out of 10.


Luke Haines had once shared his conspiracy theory with a man who he had assumed to be a kindred spirit. After a few minutes the target of his monologue (an indifferent Matt 'the hat' James, who played the drums in a band called Gene) had managed to break free from the hypno-coin-induced trance that Haines had placed him under, and had sloped away in search of lager.


At the time Haines was riding high in the UK hit parade as the denim-clad front man of a pub rock combo called The Auteurs. The heads-down, three-chord, bar-room boogie of the band's debut album - Good Times All The Time - had literally set the UK album charts on fire, resulting in the destruction of a mediocre Eric Clapton record, while many other albums had to be evacuated to music charts in France and Luxembourg.


The Auteur's creative spark had proven bright enough to rise above the smouldering ashes of Britpop where it was carried on the winds of change to set fire to a new music scene and enthuse a new generation of bands: The Stereophonics were duly hailed as “the welsh Auteurs,” while the arena-straddling post-modern, pop colossus, U2 ,were retrospectively dubbed “the Irish Auteurs.” A candidate for the title of “the Scottish Auteurs” had yet to emerge. Although he could prove nothing Haines suspected that the machinations of the former Undertones lead singer and solo artist - Feargal Sharkey - had played some part in this oversight. After all, this was a land where members of one of the few contemporary bands of note – Mogwai – had been forcibly branded on the buttocks as “the punk Runrig.”


18 years after Haines' disastrous attempt to recruit Matt 'the hat' James to his crusade, his wife, Sian Pattenden, had arrived home and, not for the first time, discovered their front parlour resembling an exhibit from the Imperial War Museum, with the chesterfield pushed up against the far wall, and the carpet barricaded with sandbags and loosely-coiled razor wire.


“Is it the Imaginary Jazz Nazis again?” she asked him, not unreasonably.


Haines regarded her with an expression as fixed as the bayonet attached to the business end of his Lee-Enfield Rifle.


“They have taken Antwerp,” he said dryly, as if the awful reality of his words had yet to fully sink in.


Pattenden allowed herself a few seconds to process this new information and consider the effect of the news on her husband. Antwerp was the main producer of liver sausage – a comestible that, when combined with sliced white bread in the form of sandwiches, imbued Haines with his formidable song writing talent, as well as the more recent power to communicate with ferrets.


“They shouldn't have done that.”


She picked her way through the razor wire to where her paints were set up in the corner of the room. Mounted on the easel was the preliminary sketch for a new artwork depicting Jimmy Pursey from the punk band Sham 69, re-cast as Chas Mcgill from Robert Westall's novel The Machine Gunners, attempting to bring down a Messerschmitt in a hail of automatic gunfire. In the background Lt Jim Morrison from The Doors looked on in approval.


“Do you think that Jim Morrison's father is proud of him?” enquired Haines.


“I should think so. Look, he's supervising a counter attack against a German fighter plane. He is obviously a very brave young man.” 


The prospect of a reduction in axis air power appeared to molify Haines.


“We will crush them,” he said.


Sian nodded. She squeezed a pale grey worm from one of the paint tubes. It was to form the base colour for both the German fighter plane and the machine gun that was in the process of attempting to shoot it down.


From behind the wall of sandbags her husband had more questions for her:


“When we win will we make them sign a non-aggression treaty?”


Briefly she pondered her answer. As she did her eyes were drawn to the tip of the brush as it sloppily blended red and grey paint together mixing tray.


“This time there will be no treaty. This time they must learn the true cost of their aggression.”


With the prospect of brutal vengeance assured, the colour began to return to Haines' face. In his mind he was already formulating a new concept album. This one would consist of ten songs. It would be based around a bare-knuckle boxing match between Oswald Mosley and Paddington Bear, who would be revealed as the reincarnation of the writer George Orwell.


“We will paint the world that we want live in...” said Pattenden “...Then we make our enemies live in it.”

Five nifty tips for the aspiring home-maker

Turning a house into a home is not a task for the fainthearted, that's for sure! You can put your heart and soul into stitching Victorian lace trim onto all your cushions and making your kitchen smell like fresh-baked gingerbread 24/7, only for the Home-Making Inspectorate to descend unannounced on your domestic idyll, wave their scientific doo-dahs in the air and pronounce it 39% home/61% house (with a 0.4% margin of error) when you jolly well know that it's at least 45%!

To add insult to injury, if you complain or challenge their decision you risk an on the spot fine, a caution by the police or, in extreme cases, a long sentence in the dreaded Home-Maker Internment Camp outside Blackpool, where you will be forced to work on a production line manufacturing hand-carved rolling pins for the lucrative metropolitan baking market.

But don't throw your away your dusters and join the underground resistance movement just yet. At least not until you have tried the advice in these five handy, tips which are sure to put you on the road from house-keeper to home-maker.


Silverfish can be powerful allies

Silverfish are small silver-grey insects that resemble earwigs. The species was invented by William Painter (who also invented the bottle cap) in 1891 as an item of jewellery to be worn on a charm bracelet. In modern times silverfish are rarely made from pure silver. Instead a silver/copper alloy called billon is used.

Silverfish can survive without food for a year, but did you also know that they can also be powerful allies for the home-maker? Their flat bodies are able to fit through tiny cracks making them perfect for a spot of underfloor dusting. They can also be employed to run errands, such as locating the biro cap that you were fiddling with, and subsequently dropped down the side of a cupboard, while you were on the phone with the bank.

What's more, the majority of silverfish are happy to be paid in hair and dead skin cells making them a thrifty option for the home-maker who is counting the pennies. Who would have thought that having dandruff would pay off!


Save your teacups!

When I was young there was a man who rode around our town on a horse and cart, ringing a small hand bell as he bellowed “Brihhouhhyuurcuhs!”

Whenever he appeared on our street my mother would run out with her used teacups which she would exchange with him for dusters. She would also keep a carrot handy for the horse.

The man sold the cups to the local council who broke them up and used them in community mosaics.

The horse and cart may have gone but the man (or possibly his son) still comes around in a pick-up truck. Like my mother before me I still trade my used teacups with him in exchange for dusters. Since the horse is gone he gets the carrot too. The moral of this story: Never throw away used chinaware. Dirty dishes (or in this case cups and saucers) = dusters!


The strange man in your daughter's bedroom is probably Doctor Who

The Doctor is a renegade time lord from the planet Gallifrey. In addition to his criminal activities, to wit – the theft of one time machine / suspected genocide, enacted across time and space, he also displays a complete lack of respect for personal boundaries. He will happily enter private property uninvited and befriend any young girls who happen to live on the premises, often while the supervising adults are either away elsewhere, or have been eaten by space monsters. (Note that in the latter case the Doctor, despite being a time traveller, will delay his entrance until after the space monsters have finished their meal).

A common ploy used by the Doctor (pronounced 'Doc-TOR' by many of his enemies) during his interactions with teenage girls, is to react as if their very existence is an enigma that even a twin-hearted, 900 year old alien intelligence such as himself cannot fathom. The mystery can only be unraveled by the pair spending time together inside his mysterious unlicensed police box, which will de-materialise the moment he closes the door only to reappear somewhere far far away, such as the planet Skaro in the 1920s. On occasion the Doctor may attempt to make the girl feel special or unique by conferring upon her a nickname such as “the girl who cannot be” or “paradox girl.” In this regard he is like one of those creepy secondary school teachers who run off with one of their pupils.

Parents of teenagers who are legitimately concerned that this kind of behaviour borders on grooming can be reassured that the Doctor has no previous history of molesting or intentionally harming any of his 'companions' and is constantly being friend-zoned by them. That said, he is likely to place them in perilous situations and may eventually abandon them in a parallel dimension that resembles Western Super-Mare in January, with former teen popstar Billie Piper.

Fortunately methods now exist to ensure that your daughter will never encounter the Doctor and run the risk of having their life scripted by Mark Gattis.

A life-size cardboard Dalek (available from most comic book stores) can cast a menacing silhouette and act as a suitable night-time deterrent. For those who are unafraid of direct confrontation, a sonic saw, sonic hammer, or sonic 2x4 with sonic nails hammered through one end, will prove more than a match for the Doctor's sonic screwdriver and will soon send him packing.

 
Celtic fertility gods favour Spiderman wallpaper

For reasons that have been lost in the swirling mists of time, patterned wallpaper depicting Spiderman in various action poses, shooting blasts of sticky web fluid, is a big hit with ancient Celtic fertility gods. These pre-Christian deities will repay you for your act of piety by ensuring that the garden of your home sways with a bountiful crop of wheat and that the boughs of your trees are laden with fruit.

Home owners who decorate with Batman wallpaper can expect their abode to fill with thousands of bats.

Superman wallpaper will cause the interior of a room to drip lukewarm, cream of tomato soup during daylight hours, which can be a lifesaver if you are on a tight budget. When you leave home in the morning simply line the skirting board with paint trays. In the evening, carefully siphon the soup into a saucepan and heat up the contents for a simple, yet delicious meal.


500 people in the UK disappear weekly during games of hide and seek

It's hard to believe but over 500 people in Great Britain go missing weekly during innocent games of hide and seek! That's almost three times as many people who vanish as a result of cabaret magic acts gone wrong.

Admittedly a small proportion (okay 75%) of these missing persons will have been horribly murdered by family members, with the game of hide and seek being invented after the killing as an alibi to throw police off the scent.

Others stumble through portals into alternate dimensions while hiding in wardrobes. This is more common in cheap, poorly-made bedroom furniture, where the back panels have not been properly grounded in one reality.

Some get caught on coat-hangers where they often remain for years. Many who suffer this fate are only discovered after they have been erroneously donated to charity shops.

Some simply begin new lives among the coats and shoes, or in the small space behind the tied-back curtains.