Work at the Pitsea branch
of the troubled hardware chain slowed to a standstill following the
discovery by staff that Handfield's oft-touted threat that she would
take anyone who stepped out of line “downtown like Ruth Brown”
had no grounding in fact.
“The Ruth Brown threat
was the second thing that Susan said to me after I was mandated by
the Jobcentre to work a 37 and a half hour week at Wrenn's as an
unpaid apprentice,” said former bank manager, Clive Judd (54).
“In my mind Ruth Brown
was an ogreish woman, possibly an Elizabethan tavern wench, who kept
her unruly clientèle in line by bashing their heads together and
thumping them with her enormous meaty fists.”
Claire Lee has worked at
Wrenn's for 27 years, during which time she has watched it slowly
transform from a family-run business into an asset-stripped chain of 127
outlets, operated by a skeleton staff.
A tearful Lee recalled:
“When I was young my
priest, Father Pearson, warned me about St Jennifer's pet dragon who
would descend from the heavens and cleanse my body and soul with holy
fire if I was ever suspected by God of dabbling in Buddhism. Later I
came to realise that the name of this dragon was Ruth Brown.”
Handfield's reign of
terror was brought to an end after staff researched the mysterious
historical figure of Ruth Brown and discovered that she had never
existed:
“The closest person of
significance we could find was a timid churchgoing spinster who
turned down a damehood for her fears that she might faint in the
presence of Queen Victoria,” said Judd.
In a hastily issued
statement, Handfield has claimed that Ruth Brown is “more of
a composite character comprising a number of historical figures who you
wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of.”
However, industry experts
are already questioning whether she can continue as Manager of the
Pitsea branch of Wrenn's without the ability to strike fear into the
hearts of her workers.
“She's finished,” said
Wall Street Analyst, David Blackshaw. “The lesson to be learned
here is do your homework or somebody else will.”
Clive Liborbung of The
United Kingdom Association of Ethical Businesses (UKAEB) said:
“Handfield's case
highlights the dangers of citing historical precedent as a means of
keeping rank and file workers in line.
“What managers must
remember at all times is that nobody's historical reputation is
unassailable. All that it takes is one televised documentary narrated
by Lorraine Kelly revealing that Ivan the Terrible was kind to
kittens and your notoriety as a cast-iron ball-breaker is on the
line.”
This morning, staff at
Wrenn's were celebrating their freedom:
“It was all lie. I feel
like a crushing weight has been lifted from me,” said Judd.
“The nightmare is over,”
added Lee. “Ruth Brown can't hurt me now. It turns out that she
never really could.”
