1. The white cliffs
of Dover will be extended all the way around Great Britain and then
raised 30 metres above sea level to create a porous wall that will
keep out 'undesirables.'
2. The 50 million
North Atlantic Cod who are currently being held hostage in the holds
of the Spanish fishing armada will be released into the waiting nets
of the British fishing fleet.
3. The Dunkirk
spirit, that will be required to endure the UK's waning global
political influence and evaporating economy, will be recreated by
covering the country in six feet of sticky grey mud.
4. British farmers
will be able to shotgun invasive plant and animal species from the
continent without fear of being tried as war criminals in the Hague,
as has routinely been the case since we joined the E.U.
5. The
Sun will dedicate more
column inches to vegetables that resemble members of the 1966 English
World Cup squad.
6. After four
decades, your old school tie can, once more, be used as evidence of
good or bad character in criminal trials.
7. It is legal
again for boys, aged between 10 and 14, to be press-ganged into
Morris Dancing troupes.
8. Islands in the
middle of private lakes now automatically qualify as tax havens.
9. A northern
powerhouse will be created, where the bodies of the poor will be
burned and the energy generated used to keep the lights on in London.
10. £350 million a
week will be added to the profits of the private companies who now
effectively run the NHS.
11. Focus on global
trading will shift emphasis to exports of Diana, Princess of Wales
memorabilia and framed photographs of Geri from the Spice Girls in
her Union Jack dress.
12. The baffling
array of foreign muck masquerading as cheese in the dairy aisle of
supermarkets will be outlawed and the choice limited to mild cheddar
or Red Leicester.
13. A
gaudily-framed photograph of Nigel Farage, drinking a gin and tonic,
will hang over the bar of all licensed premises. Henceforth
establishments licensed to serve alcohol will be limited to English
Pubs, Golf and Yacht Clubs. Men will be required to wear a
blazer when ordering spirits.
14. An end to
European pavement cafe culture and the resurgence of the ploughman's
lunch, hard-boiled eggs, limp green lettuce, and metallic-tasting tea, with bits floating on the surface, served from giant tartan urns.
15. TV channels
will be limited to BBC1, BBC2, and ITV (for homes that fall below the
average national income bracket). Programmes will end between
midnight and 1 a.m. with Gary Barlow singing the National Anthem.
16. Gibraltar will
be towed into British waters and bolted on to the Isle of White. In a
bid to confuse the pro-independence lobby, Scotland will be renamed
New Norfolk. Britain will appear on all world maps bearing the logo
of its sponsor, G4S.
