August is mating season for ghosts

August is mating season for ghosts.

Nine months prior to this annual event,  the world’s population of ghosts will undertake an amazing migration from their home in the South Pole, to their breeding grounds in abandoned barns, windmills and canal boats along the Norfolk Broads. There are three main species of ghost all with complicated Latin names that, when spoken, will open the door to hell. There used to be a fourth type of ghost, but it was killed and eaten in large quantities by hungry sailors, during the 1800s, and is now extinct. In the South Pole, ghosts are often mistaken for Polar Bears, even though polar bears are not indigenous to the region and ghosts have no actual fur. Up close there is actually little resemblance. 

As they head northwards, the migrating ghosts frighten even the world’s hardest trawler crews and terrify penguins. When they reach the Saharan plains of Africa their ectoplasm is thawed by the parched desert winds, which carry them onward to Europe and eternal victory.

Ghosts who stray across the border into Germany are regarded as poltergeists and are subject to complicated laws and protracted bureaucratic procedures. The German people are a proud race and don’t stand for any nonsense from ghosts. Ghosts who cross the road in front of cars in Germany, allowing the moving vehicle to pass through their incorporeal form, risk being sent to ghost jail.

In England some people are racist against ghosts. The spectacle of ghosts mating is one that should be regarded with a childlike sense of wonder, while absent-mindedly humming the chorus to the Simply Red song - Stars - under you breath. Ghosts enjoy eating tapas.

Here are some questions that I have been sent regarding ghosts:

Mrs May, of Pinner, in North London, wants to know how to attract ghosts to her garden.

Dear Mrs May. I would recommend leaving some old flower pots and roofing slates around the place. Ghosts love to move stuff like that around. Another tried and tested tactic is to position a football or frisbee in the middle of your lawn or patio, while expressing your hope that it will remain in this exact spot overnight. While you sleep, mischievous ghosts will more than likely hide this 'valued' object under some compost, or leave it buried in the throat of your elderly neighbour, Beryl.

Here are some more questions that I have been sent about ghosts:

Miss May, from Pinner, in North London, writes: “Thank you for your response to my question regarding how to attract ghosts to my garden. There are now too many ghosts and they have murdered my elderly next door neighbour Beryl, so I would like to get rid of them please. Also, my husband has divorced me, so I was wondering whether you would like to go out for drinks sometime.”

Dear Miss May. I recommend that you visit your nearest cathedral on the pretence of worshiping  Jesus or doing some brass rubbing. When nobody is looking, perhaps while a hymn is playing or the collection plate is being passed around, remove one of stone blocks from the walls. Grind it up in a food processor and then sprinkle the stone crumbs around your garden. These crumbs are a slow toxin for ghosts, who will carry them back to their underground nests where they will poison the ghost queen. In a few days your ghost woes will be a thing of the past. I would love to meet you for drinks. The 22^nd is good for me, at the bar next to that row of shops.

Jenny Conner (9) of Bracknell writes: My father and my wicked stepmother (who is really a hideous troll) have an old wishing well on the grounds of their converted farmhouse. I would like to trap a ghost down there to show to my friends, and also for a school project.

Dear Jenny. I once lured the ghost of a Victorian child into my home with the false promise that I would show it some puppies and allow it to drink a small amount of shandy from the two litre bottle that I had purchased from the Off Licence. Remember, if you throw glitter at a ghost, it will stick to its ectoplasmic form. You will have a sparkly ghost that you can takes pictures of and put on your Myspace page!  

Finally Mr Badger of Skipton writes: I think that I might be a ghost, as ever since converting my record collection from vinyl to MP3 I find it impossible to physically pick up any music. Also my family run screaming from the room whenever I make an appearance.

Dear Mr Badger. I think that you are a ghost. LOL!

That is all that I have to say at the moment on the subject of ghosts. Can somebody please bring me a margarita and a soft-boiled egg.