Unsolicited emails that are currently cluttering my Spam Folder, along with my responses to said emails

(1) A message from Velva Dzie enquiring: “Are you done with tiresome meetings instead of awesome sex?”

Dear Velva,

The implication of your email is that I am being cruelly forced, against my will, to attend tiresome meetings at the expense of having awesome sex.

In fact I can think of literally thousands of occasions when the best-case alternative to a tiresome meeting would have involved sitting around watching re-runs of Top Gear on the Dave Channel, while eating slices of bread directly out of the packet.

Tiresome meetings are, by their very nature, tiresome, however I do not believe that my direct exposure to awesome sex would increase in any statistically significant manner were I to stop going, although my career prospects would undoubtedly suffer as a result.

All the same Velva, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your concern, and will keep your hypothesis under consideration, pending peer review and publication in an appropriate academic journal.

(2) An Email allegedly from Jennifer Aniston: “Hi!”

Dear Ms Aniston,

I have just consulted your relationship status on wikipedia and note that you are currently engaged to a man called Justin.

While I am universally regarded as one of the world's most attractive and virile men under the age of 40, who is borderline autistic, unemployed and still lives with his parents, I think that your current romantic attachment to this Justin fellow should hold in check any further flirting by email.

Also please to do not stand outside my bedroom window, holding an 80s boom box above your head and playing a mix tape of your favourite songs in a misguided attempt to make me fall in love with you.

My favourite music is written and performed by horrible arseholes and is therefore an unsuitable soundtrack for any kind of burgeoning romance.

I will keep your email on file for a period of six months. If, during that time, you should become single, I will be more than happy to resume our online correspondence.

(3) Numerous offers to “Permanently add 2-4 inches to your manhood”

Current penis-enlargement technology seems to have stalled at around the four inch mark. I think that this would probably be enough for all but the most poorly-endowed or insecure men, however part of me still wants to see scientists break the 5 inch barrier.

(4) Leana Vanaerden wishes to inform me of a “Perturbing house repair executed by horny Eve.”

Oh, Horny Eve. If you could keep your mind off sex for just a few hours, then maybe your home repairs wouldn't be quite so baffling.

(5) Simona Lashawn offers a “bare skin photoset in the countryside with my enormous dog.”

Dear Simona,

Your name reminds me of a character in an unfinished Victorian novel that I began writing when I was 18! I have stopped short of clicking on your link because:

(a) I think that it might install a virus that resets my homepage to the Daily Mail Website. Calling in a professional to remove this malicious software would be terribly embarrassing.

(b) I am pretty certain that 'enormous dog' is a euphemism for something and I don't particularly want to find out what that might be.