How the British Pork Assembly steered my course from the blood-soaked path of revenge

 (A tale of redemption & personal growth, by Mark Sadler)

I recently bought a book titled 'REVENGE!” Superimposed diagonally across the front cover was a yellow banner offering five pounds worth of revenge as part of the purchase price, while smaller writing underneath the offer reminded potential readers that the book was a sequel to a previous volume titled 'FUCK YOU!'

I contacted the publishers who assured me that the offer was genuine. but that the five pounds was not monetary in value, but based on the imperial measurement of 5 lbs. This, I was told, was inspired by the 1lb of flesh extorted by Shylock from Antonio in The Merchant of Venice, with the amount adjusted for inflation and also to reflect “how totally fucking pissed-off people are these days.”

Six weeks later I received, through the post, a voucher redeemable for 5 lbs of pork shoulder from participating independent butchers, the nearest of which was located 70 miles from my home.

In hindsight I should have realised that I had fallen prey to an elaborate marketing ploy: The book mostly comprised of recipes for pork, with very little content describing the actual mechanics of revenge. Closer inspection revealed that it had been published by the British Pork Assembly, who are not known for their eclectic tastes when it comes to commissioning self-help manuals.

The following Saturday I drove to the butchers and redeemed my voucher. That evening I learned that there is more value in a slow-cooked shoulder of pork, enjoyed in the company of good friends, than there is in folly of attempting to redress past transgressions. From there-on I resolved to live my life as a happy man, content to allow all those who have wronged me to fall from my side and be carried away by the currents of life to whatever destinies await them.