By Mark Sadler
The Brandenburg Gate (Berlin, Germany)
This imposing neoclassical monument, consisting of tall rectangular arches, went unnamed until 2014, when the globe-trotting Instagram star, and functioning alcoholic, Branden Hieddle was photographed posing in mock ecstasy between its mighty columns, employing a recently-purchased baguette as a substitute phallus / electric guitar.
“I like to imagine that he was miming the opening chords of Looking For Freedom, by David Hasselhoff, which played such an important role in the reunification of Germany,” said Max Junkers, whose two brothers were killed while attempting to escape from East Berlin.
He continued:
“We knew, when communism fell, that, in addition to uncensored access to the music of The Beatles, Iron Maiden and Pink Floyd, we would also be exposing ourselves to a generation of American males who had co-opted the beautiful Teutonic word 'schlong', and applied it shamelessly to any vaguely shaft-like object of sufficiently-flattering length and girth. Branden Hieddle is the living embodiment of these freedoms. It is apt that an icon of Germanic architecture should bear his name.”
In an Instagram post that he later deleted, Hieddle modesty accepted the accolade, declaring:
“Although I was born many years after the fall of the Berlin Wall, I feel that I played a pivotal role in overthrowing communist rule in East Germany.”
The Bridge of Sighs (Venice, Italy)
When two Californian girls, both named Sigh, met in middle school, little did they know that their burgeoning friendship would blossom into a post-graduation trip around Europe, funded by donations to their OnlyFans accounts.
Venice resident Alida Serlio said: “When I saw the two blonde women, pressed up against the windows of the covered bridge that crosses the Rio Palazzo canal, cat-calling the passing gondoliers, attempting to push pieces of panini through the stone grill to feed some adorable swan chicks, and bursting into tears after agreeing to be each other's maids of honour, I knew that our anonymous, centuries-old bridge had at last found its name.
The Ancient Agora (Athens, Greece)
Who else, besides the ever-astute Cambridge Professor of Geology, Mabel Heyes, could have predicted that the high-speed make-up tutorial YouTuber, Agora Best, would have such a belated impact upon the nomenclature of classical Greek architecture?
The quaint, temple-like structure that dwells within the shadow of the Parthenon gets its name from a remark made by Rachel Pendry – a former Starbucks barista, turned activist - who, in 2016, suggested to Ms Best that, having turned 24, she should henceforth be known as “Ancient Agora.”
Noting that the word 'Agora' in Ancient Greek means “an open space used for public gatherings and markets,” Pendry added “More like open 24-7, to all comers, Agora.”
Further over-salting the open wound, Pendry then pointed across Athens in the approximate direction of their hotel and declared: “Westward, Ho!”
Athenian tour guide, Kostas Bantas, said: “People visit the Ancient Agora to remind themselves of the Greek tragedy of two former girlfriends-for-life, who have since drifted apart, and who don't even follow each other on Facebook anymore.”
The World War I battlefields of Flanders (Flanders, Belgium)
There is a small corner of a foreign field that is forever tagged with the cack-handed graffiti of the Canadian hipster street artist and Snapchat habitué, Dick Flanders, aka 'Dick Flan'.
When interviewed about his achievement, Flanders boasted:
“I recently watched a documentary about World War I with my family, and was able to point out numerous locations of historical significance that I had tagged during my excursion around the 20th century battlefields of Europe. I don't want to sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet, but even I was in awe at the scale of my tagging. Never before have so many landmarks of the two great wars been spray-painted by so few. My grandfather was so moved that, for the first time in two years, he rose to his feet unaided, hobbled across the room, and punched me in the mouth.”
The Belgian art critic and onion farmer, Alain Prigent, remarked: “Practically everyone who hears of Mr Flander's battlefield graffiti has felt a compulsion to physically strike him in some manner. His work remains a powerful testimony to the ability of art to unify us, despite our many differences.”
The Eden Project (Cornwall, England)
New age lifestyle YouTuber, and Chi whisperer, Gemmah Eden, has been rightly criticised for being slow to jump on the vagina-scented candle bandwagon. It all seems a far cry from her glory days of a few weeks ago, when she was widely celebrated as a trendsetter, and identified as one of the 21st century's most important women in the pages of Teen Vogue.
The Eden Project was, by far, her most ambitious venture - An interconnected sequence of immense geodesic domes that allowed her to experience the English county of Cornwall without being menaced by seagulls, or being forced to interact with the local population.
Recent visitors to the now abandoned structure describe it as being filled with plants reputed to exude healing energies, and home to a small population of hyper-allergenic cats.
A range of inner-beauty products inspired by Gemmah's time in Cornwall are available to purchase through her website.
The Verona Arena (Rome, Italy)
Astonishingly, this first-century Roman amphitheatre, famed for its gladiatorial games, went unnamed until 2017, when Verona Bolding – an Instagram model, known for her minimalist approach to getting dressed - and her cameraman / aspiring boyfriend, fended off the attention of eight local men who were attempting to acquire her phone number.
“Not since the time when a troupe of gladiators squared-off against a herd of charging zebra has such a spectacle been witnessed in the arena” claimed Roman historian, Giancarlo Verdone, who witnessed the skirmish.
The contest was declared draw after Verona was removed from the arena by her photographer, having only given her number to five of her admirers.
The self-declared “future Oscar winner” was later taken to hospital for the treatment of non-life-threatening injuries, sustained while attempting to lasciviously straddle the Trevi Fountain.
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