Why it must never be allowed to rain men

Why it must never be allowed to rain men

Far from being a cause for joyful celebration, 'man rain' as it is described in the hit single - It's Raining Men (Homer Simpson's favourite song) would be a tragedy on a par with Hurricane Katrina, a tsunami, or an alien invasion of Canada.

It is a practical reality that few of the men would survive the fall from several thousand feet. Going out and letting yourself “get absolutely soaking wet” would in this case equate with allowing yourself to be thoroughly drenched in blood and gore and impaled with shards of human bone.

Among the surviving men the majority would be seriously injured, requiring urgent medical attention and, in the long-term, extensive physical rehabilitation. As somebody who investigates and writes on local health issues, I can say that the healthcare providers in my home town of Southend are ill-prepared to deal with an incidence of man rain.

It is likely that on the ground further casualties would result, either directly from the rain itself, or as a consequence of accidents caused by it. Would man rain be intense enough to bring down an aeroplane? I would like to answer 'no' but we all know that the real answer to this question is 'Yes.'

There would be extensive damage to property. Emergency services would be stretched well beyond capacity. It is likely that in some areas the rule of law would break down altogether.

In the aftermath of the man rain somewhere would have to found to store the bodies and the other disparate remains until such a time that these could be identified and the next of kin notified. Every death would need to be treated as suspicious until the police could rule out foul play in individual cases.

The Guardian newspaper would invariably pronounce the man rain as misogynist. For The Daily Mail it would be held up as yet another example of the government's failure to control immigration. The Daily Express would, with some wild leap of media logic, link it to the death of Princess Diana.

Disco music has a way of making mass tragedies seen acceptable (see The Trammps - Disco Inferno). We must condition ourselves to look past the catchy rhythms and infectious melodies and see the human cost that lies beneath.