Tuesday, 24 September 2013

The Foundation for the Advancement of Literacy in Internet Spammers (FALIS)

The Foundation for the Advancement of Literacy in Internet Spammers (FALIS)

Only this morning one of my friends on facebook was bemoaning the appalling standards of literacy among internet spammers. This is particularly troubling as the success of a spam email is entirely dependent upon the ability of the spammer to establish confidence in his or her mark. This can easily be undermined by a poorly-spelled piece of written correspondence.

- A Nigerian prince is likely to be a cultured, well-educated gentleman. In writing to request a small upfront administration fee so that he can gain access to Saddam Hussein's secret bank account and split the proceeds with you, he is unlikely to misspell basic words.

- Similarly a worker for UPS is unlikely to write 'parcel' as 'parsle.'

- It can be hard to place much faith in a pharmacist offering medication that will transform you into a god-damn sexual python if their grasp of basic syntax is found to be wanting.

Spelling errors are costing hard-working spammers millions of pounds every day of the year and that includes Good Friday and Christmas Day!!!!!!!


To combat this scourge upon 21st century living, it is with great personal pride that I announce the formation of The Foundation for the Advancement of Literacy in Internet Spammers (FALIS). Our noble aim is to improve the standards of writing in spam email, Underlying our program of vigorous physical exercise, savage arbitrary beatings and superficially unrelated tasks, such as painting my fence or doing my weekly grocery shopping, are the twin founding principles of good spelling and sound grammar. Why not sign up today and learn the secrets that really shit English teachers don't want you to know!

I have allotted 45 seconds for questions. If you have any enquiries about this service then please make them now.

Q: This sounds great. How do I sign up?
A: It couldn't be easier! Simply withdraw your life savings from your bank account and then bring the cash, along with any items of gold in your possession, to our next seminar.

Q: I can't get to the bank until Thursday. Can I pay you then?
A: Our next seminar isn't until Friday so that will not be a problem.

Q: You are so awesome. If I take your course is it possible that one day I will be as awesome as you?
A: While it is unlikely that you will ever be as awesome, there is certainly scope for you to be more awesome than you are in this present moment. Our tried and tested teaching methods and rigorous examinations will bring you closer to achieving this goal.

Q: Shit the police are outside! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What do I do!?
A: When they bang on the door, keep still and be very quiet. They will think that you are out and will eventually go away. From now on do this every time they call.

Okay, that's enough questions. Even though FALIS has only been in existence for a quarter of an hour we already have testimonials from our millions of satisfied customers:

I can't believe that I was spelling 'you're' as 'your.' What an absolute numpty! Since applying the lessons I learned in your grammar module, the penis enlargement business, which has been in my family for five generations, has increased in size by over 3 inches!”
- Mr I.M. Made-Up (East Narnia)

Until taking your course I was blissfully unaware that my online sexual come-ons were written in the archaic style of a Victorian prostitute, employing outdated, corseted terminology such as“improper” and “dalliance.” Now I know how to compose sexy spam mail that appeals to the modern man. Word up.”
- Shaunese (Tehran)

Do U want 2 Meet SexY Young Italian sluts covered in spaGHetti sauce made to a traditi;nal Tuscan recipe? Of course u do. Who wouldn't? Also you're lessons really helped even tho I grduated bottom of the clas. Ha HA! I now make $7325 /hour woking from home. Ask me how!”
- Carlos Danger (Perth)

The Foundation for the Advancement of Literacy in Internet Spammers

Tu dignus diploma!

Sunday, 1 September 2013

A handy FAQ that will help you to determine whether any items you own contain manganese

Manganese is a brittle, silver-grey, paramagnetic metal with an atomic number of 25. Its chemical symbol is MN. 

A question that I am often asked is: How do I know if something I own contains Manganese?

To assist you in answering this, I have developed a fun questionnaire. Remember, the more times you answer “yes,” the more likely it is that the item contains manganese. Why not make a game of it with your friends and see which of you has the most manganese. Then take all the items that contain manganese, and bury them in a deep hole, and salt the earth around it so that nothing may ever grow there.

How do I know if something I own contains Manganese? (A Questionnaire)

1. Is the item a big piece of manganese?

2. Is there a label anywhere on the item that lists ingredients or components? Tell-tale signs to look out for are the words: “This item is made exclusively from manganese,” “Contains manganese,” or “May contain trace elements of manganese.”

3. Do you have any spoons in your home that were manufactured before the year 2011? If so, they are likely to contain manganese. You can determine the age of a piece of cutlery by counting back five years from its 'best before' date, which is usually stamped somewhere on the handle.

4. Has the item ever formed the radioactive isotope 55Mn?

5. Are you forever having to stop the item from forming covalent bonds with your other possessions?

6. Have you ever left the item near a stack a books, and then returned later to find that all the books have been read? 

7. Is the item worshipped by an unusually large number of spiders? 

8. If you hold the item up to your ear, are you able to discern faint whispers encouraging you to engage in evil activities, or open portals to alternative dimensions? 

9. Was the item gifted to you by a wild-eyed man whose last words before dying were a plea for you to destroy it, before it consumes all of humanity? 

10. Has your home recently been the target of a burglary by tattooed cultists whose sole intention was to steal the item or die in the attempt? Note: This is unlikely to occur if the item in question is made of diet manganese. 

11. If you are still in education, has your chemistry teacher recently vanished under mysterious circumstances? 

11b. If you answered 'yes' to the above, is your replacement chemistry teacher Cthulhu, Satan, or Yog-Sothoth?