Manganese is a brittle, silver-grey, paramagnetic metal with an atomic number of 25. Its chemical symbol is MN.
A question that I am often asked is: How do I know if
something I own contains Manganese?
To assist you in answering this, I have developed a
fun questionnaire. Remember, the more times you answer “yes,” the
more likely it is that the item contains manganese. Why not make a
game of it with your friends and see which of you has the most
manganese. Then take all the items that contain manganese, and bury
them in a deep hole, and salt the earth around it so that nothing may
ever grow there.
How do I know if something I own contains
Manganese? (A Questionnaire)
1. Is the item a big piece of manganese?
2. Is there a label anywhere on the item that
lists ingredients or components? Tell-tale signs to look out for are
the words: “This item is made exclusively from manganese,”
“Contains manganese,” or “May contain trace elements of
3. Do you have any spoons in your home that
were manufactured before the year 2011? If so, they are likely to
contain manganese. You can determine the age of a piece of cutlery by
counting back five years from its 'best before' date, which is
usually stamped somewhere on the handle.
4. Has the item ever formed the radioactive
5. Are you forever having to stop the item
from forming covalent bonds with your other possessions?
6. Have you ever left the item near a stack a
books, and then returned later to find that all the books have been
7. Is the item worshipped by an unusually
large number of spiders?
8. If you hold the item up to your ear, are
you able to discern faint whispers encouraging you to engage in evil
activities, or open portals to alternative dimensions?
9. Was the item gifted to you by a wild-eyed
man whose last words before dying were a plea for you to destroy it,
before it consumes all of humanity?
10. Has your home recently been the target of
a burglary by tattooed cultists whose sole intention was to steal the
item or die in the attempt? Note: This is unlikely to occur if the
item in question is made of diet manganese.
11. If you are still in education, has your
chemistry teacher recently vanished under mysterious circumstances?
11b. If you answered 'yes' to the above, is
your replacement chemistry teacher Cthulhu, Satan, or Yog-Sothoth?