Sunday, 1 September 2013

A handy FAQ that will help you to determine whether any items you own contain manganese

Manganese is a brittle, silver-grey, paramagnetic metal with an atomic number of 25. Its chemical symbol is MN. 

A question that I am often asked is: How do I know if something I own contains Manganese?

To assist you in answering this, I have developed a fun questionnaire. Remember, the more times you answer “yes,” the more likely it is that the item contains manganese. Why not make a game of it with your friends and see which of you has the most manganese. Then take all the items that contain manganese, and bury them in a deep hole, and salt the earth around it so that nothing may ever grow there.

How do I know if something I own contains Manganese? (A Questionnaire)

1. Is the item a big piece of manganese?

2. Is there a label anywhere on the item that lists ingredients or components? Tell-tale signs to look out for are the words: “This item is made exclusively from manganese,” “Contains manganese,” or “May contain trace elements of manganese.”

3. Do you have any spoons in your home that were manufactured before the year 2011? If so, they are likely to contain manganese. You can determine the age of a piece of cutlery by counting back five years from its 'best before' date, which is usually stamped somewhere on the handle.

4. Has the item ever formed the radioactive isotope 55Mn?

5. Are you forever having to stop the item from forming covalent bonds with your other possessions?

6. Have you ever left the item near a stack a books, and then returned later to find that all the books have been read? 

7. Is the item worshipped by an unusually large number of spiders? 

8. If you hold the item up to your ear, are you able to discern faint whispers encouraging you to engage in evil activities, or open portals to alternative dimensions? 

9. Was the item gifted to you by a wild-eyed man whose last words before dying were a plea for you to destroy it, before it consumes all of humanity? 

10. Has your home recently been the target of a burglary by tattooed cultists whose sole intention was to steal the item or die in the attempt? Note: This is unlikely to occur if the item in question is made of diet manganese. 

11. If you are still in education, has your chemistry teacher recently vanished under mysterious circumstances? 

11b. If you answered 'yes' to the above, is your replacement chemistry teacher Cthulhu, Satan, or Yog-Sothoth?

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