Useless dating advice for Christian teens

Being a teenager with two men in your life can be tough, especially when one of those men is Jesus and the other is a really cute guy called Chad who plays on the school football team and who is pressuring you into having sex!

Don't despair. Simply allow the seven rules below to guide you through the does and don’ts of Christian dating. Plus get the low-down on the church youth scene from Christian Abstinence Advisor, Tina.

1. The name of the man or woman you are going to marry is your own first name spelled backwards.

It's true that God has a plan for everyone. But it is also true that God works in mysterious ways and hides his plan in his creation. For example, did you know that opposites attract? Well, what could be more opposite than your own name spelled backwards!

Tina says!

“My future husband is called Anit, so I guess that he's from Eastern Europe, or maybe even Russia, which would be really neat because I am so totally into ballet! After we get engaged he will need to relocate to South Dakota, but I don't see that as being a problem because South Dakota is awesome.”

2. If Jesus or the Holy Ghost catches you in engaging sexual intercourse out of wedlock, they have a legal obligation to file a report at your local police station.

The police will pass this information on to your parents or legal guardians, and the pastor at your church. It will go on your permanent record at school, be disclosed to employers, and published in newspapers around the world. It may also may affect your credit rating. Don't risk it Kids!

Tina says!

“There's a rumour going round my school that you can kill Jesus with a silver bullet through the heart, but that isn't true. Pastor Roberts says that all bullets bounce off Jesus. When the police find out that you tried to kill the son of God they will charge you with attempted murder.”

3. 'If You're Happy and You Know It' is a great song to dance to at Church events.

You can't put your hands down yours or somebody else's pants if you are singing a song that requires a lot of clapping and waving your hands in the direction of heaven.

Tina says!

“I'd rather clap my hands in time to a catchy song, than catch the clap! LOL!”

4. Even in an ankle-length prom dress you can still out-run Satan.

You don't have to be a winner in the Camp Forbearance Christian Summer Youth Games (CSYG) to beat the devil in a foot race. Why? Because the devil wears high heels over his cloven feet. Remember the last time you put high heels on a goat and it got angry and chased after you, but couldn't catch you? Well, neither can the devil.

Tina says!

“Jesus wore sandals. Only jezebels, harlots and my uncle Mike (who we are all praying for) wear high heels.”

5. It's okay to have sexual fantasies about people from the Old Testament.

The Old Testament caters for all tastes, from bad boys like Cain and King Nebuchadnezzar, to totally-ripped hunks like Moses and Joshua.

Tina says!

“You can keep The Jonas Brothers. Johanan and Jonathan, the sons of Kareah (Jeremiah 40:8) are totally hot.”

6. Attending non-church social events is a gateway to prostitution and methampetamine addiction.

According to covert research carried out by Father Lionel, at a non-church event (typically a sleazy, inner-city massage parlour, or crack den) you are never more than 15 minutes away from hearing an Elton John record, or something totally fucking mind-blowing from one of the early Black Sabbath albums, that makes you want to shoot dope and have sex with strange men at the same time!

Tina says!

“The Ten Commandments have two less rules than the 12 Step Program that Father Lionel is legally mandated to complete as part of his state-ordered rehabilitation.”

7. Julian seems like a really nice guy.

Julian's just started working for his dad's agricultural feed business, which is really sweet. Okay he's a bit older and he has a beard, but girls mature faster than boys. Plus he plays guitar in a totally awesome Christian Rock band called Flaming Sword of Eden.

Tina says!

“Remember rule number one! You can only marry Julian if your first name is Nailuj.”