Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Why creationist myths about the origins of the BBC represent the greatest threat to feminism in a generation.

The following blog entry is an attempt to write a satirical version of a certain type of article: One that appears in the pages of The Guardian newspaper on a semi-regular basis.

It was also inspired by Sandra Korn – a U.S. student whose recent article in The Harvard Crimson argued that we should sacrifice debate and freedom of speech in favour of promoting an unquestioned liberal agenda. The piece caused wide-spread consternation, with some commentators comparing her to the Nazi Minister of Propaganda - Joseph Goebbels.

If the article below attacks anything it attacks stupidity, which is a human trait, void of sexual bias, that impairs both genders equally.

Why creationist myths about the origins of the BBC represent the greatest threat to feminism in a generation.

(In a special guest blog, columnist Sally Kinlan-Waller fixes her withering gaze on an issue that threatens to blight modern society and ruin everything)

It says something about the character of Arthur Leatherby that he raises bushy eyebrows even among his peers within the antiquated, oak-panelled headquarters of Modern Patriarch Magazine (established 1840). Here the air hangs heavy with the impotent odour of archaic masculinity - a heady blend of pipe smoke and muted corduroy.

Leatherby's latest diatribe (I flatly refuse to call it an article) is predictably titled 'The Iron Phallus' and utilises the tired pop-up centrefold device favoured by the 'magazine' (I shall refrain from using the word”organ” which is said journal's preferred term when describing itself).

Among the numerous, wilfully offensive, missives lobbed into the feminist encampment in an attempt to defend the indefensible, Leatherby cannot resist trotting out the long-discredited creationist myth that the BBC was the design of a Judaeo/Christian god, and fashioned using surplus vertebrae from Adam's neck.

In this chauvinistic rendition of the book of Genesis the earliest humans were rather like giraffes. It was their great height that enabled them to reach the upper boughs of the Tree of Knowledge and graze upon its succulent fruit. God, finally realising his mistake only after his entire supply of apples had been eaten, removed the extraneous neck joints. He used those he had taken from Adam to create a publicly-funded broadcasting service covering the United Kingdom, but also licensing programming and selling tie-in products to foreign territories.

No mention is made regarding the eventual fate of Eve's vertebrae. Christian apologists have attempted to paper-over this omission with suggestions that her bones might have been used in the construction of BBC Television Centre, or in the props department.

Women fare little better in Pagan mythology: According to Norse folklore the BBC was forged by Odin in the white hot furnace of a supernova.

In early-English legend, the British Broadcasting Corporation was the product of a violent sexual union between a pair of mythical beings – the grizzled old wizard Merlin forcing himself upon an innocent young dragon called Beryl. In later versions of the hackneyed Arthurian myth, Mordred is a presenter who works for the BBC, but who later defects to ITV on the promise that he will be able to host the channel's football coverage. Guinevere is a TV weathergirl who goes on to present a popular show on BBC1 about antiques.

The Nobel Prize-winning chemist, Doctor Kayleigh Osborne, notes that myths are light in terms of weight and tend to float, while the truth is heavy and dense like Lead or Cadmium, and is therefore prone to sinking to the bottom where it is lost from the sight of all, save for those who seek it out.

It is beneath these clouds of fable and myth that we at last encounter the truth about the origins of the BBC: An organisation, like so many at the time, handmade in 1922 by a Home Counties women's knitting circle, from a national surplus of lilac-coloured wool. Since its genesis, members of both genders have gallantly stepped forward to make repairs and darn holes, resulting in the rainbow-coloured entity that we love and cherish today, and that is the envy of the civilised world.

Men like Arthur Leatherby have a wilful tendency to dominate and drown out those quieter voices who speak up against them. Their malign influence is a toxic effluent seeping into our porous culture, polluting everything that it touches. As long as people like him are allowed a public forum, there will be a generation of young girls who will grow up believing that our beloved BBC is the brainchild of the biblical patriarchy.

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