Tuesday, 30 April 2013

I am not a wasp: More spam emails and my responses

Lacie Felicie – My closest chick and me arrange a kinky barbecue


I have been hard at work, racking my brains in a vain attempt to come up with a less sexually-charged environment than a suburban English barbecue.

Maybe it's because I lack imagination, or maybe it's because I associate this particular alfresco dining experience with overweight, beer-drinking, middle-aged men, crowded around hot coals, cooking meat that has usually been purchased cheaply and in large quantities, and is often slathered in some disgusting, exoticly-named sauce that hides a multitude of sins.

The sizzling meat juices that you probably have in mind are of an entirely a different origin, and are probably 'home-made'.

I don't know what you can do to make such an unpromising set of circumstances “kinky”. Seriously, you would generate more of an erotic charge rubbing a balloon against an item of frumpy knitwear, marketed at 60 year old spinsters.

Dressing up as a 'sexy nun' is only going to heighten the Sunday School picnic vibe. Getting naked and basting yourself in onion relish will attract wasps faster than I can piece together the mental imagery necessary for me to feign arousement, although it occurs to me that maybe this is what you wanted all along. Tell me Lacie, do you ache for the dry caress of a striped, yellow and black exoskeleton against your naked, onion-smeared body?

If so, then I must exclude myself from future kinky barbecues, for I am not a wasp, and am unwilling to undergo the four-hour surgical procedure to become one.

Amira Trev - Wanna share my impressions with you about naughty 18th birthday of my best roommate


These activities that you coyly refer to as “naughty”; I am assuming that they are sexual in nature. I'm thinking naked pillow fights and entry level lesbianism!

Of course I am well aware that you are not inviting me to stand around gawping at naked college girls, young enough to be my daughter. This is serious business. You have asked me to hear your impressions on these sexy bedroom antics, and I assume that you will want me to consider them from a detached aesthetic perspective. You want me to remark on how Eunice's shapely buttocks bring to mind the tragic derrière of Béatrice Dalle in the French art-house film, Betty Blue. You want me to roll my eyes at Meredith and Ethel's passé attempts at stirring controversy with some half-hearted girl-on-girl snogging.

You want me to quote Simone de beauvoir and equate post-modernism with the female orgasm and the deconstruction of the Freudian paradigm.

I am up for this. Shall we say 8 o'clock on Friday?

Toi – Attractive pussycats that want to date and bang


I will be blunt with you.

I am not going to fuck your cats. Not if I have to take them out on dates to the cinema and Pizza Express first.


Hello NEVER CockBlocked,

Like one of the dragons from Dragons Den, I am now going to aggressively point out to you the fundamental flaws in your otherwise admirable lifetime sex pass scheme.

Legal sexual intercourse requires the consent of two or more parties, with a general agreement on what is off limits, and also on practical matters, such as whether the safety word you have chosen can be easily heard through a ball gag. Take it from someone who used to go dogging on a fairly regular basis: There is a general etiquette that you must follow. It is considered extremely rude to wade in and start thrusting away without asking first.

Even if you were to limit your sexual activities to fellow Sex Pass holders, it is still unlikely that every member of your organisation is going to want to shag every other member. Consent cannot be implied. It must be obtained and it must be conditional. Prior to any sex act there would still have to be a discussion, during which, one or both parties, might voice a reluctance to take things any further.

Therefore, while it is possible that your Sex Pass may increase the opportunities for intercourse, unless said pass takes the form of a gun or a really sharp knife, it doesn't follow that it would grant its users access to sex whenever they wanted it.

I think that you need to re-word your emails to make them a bit clearer. I am considering referring you to the Advertising Standards Agency.

Dara Usher - Totally saucy photos from a smashing hen party at my cousin's

Dear Dara, of House Usher

Do you have a plum in your mouth? And no, I don't mean a testicle.

What I mean is, all this talk of your cousin's “smashing hen party” makes you sound posh, like you come from old money.

These saucy photos that you speak of: Do they, by any chance, feature a gaggle of horsey-looking, young women, who dress ten years older than their age, drinking rose wine, while slapping one another on the behind and affecting mock expressions of surprise?

I am assuming that these pictures are intended as some kind of sexual come-on. If so, then you should be probably be made aware that I was sired from simple, upper-middle-class peasant stock, and am hard-wired with the pedestrian sexual mores associated with my dreary background. I would advise you to seek sexual fulfilment in the time-honoured tradition of the blue-blooded aristoracy - in the strong arms of the gardener, the laconic but ruggedly handsome stable boy, or the elderly gentlemen who visits on Tuesdays and rakes your gravel drive.

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