Sunday, 5 May 2013

Wankender: "Mummy wants to vinyl with me for her 50th Birthday.”


Tarquin Allesbury-Bettnässer, Aspirant Hotelier and Dubstep DJ, 23

“Mummy wants to vinyl with me for her 50th Birthday.”

I am about to go to Switzerland.”

When I was in Zurich last year, I invested in some bespoke Odermatt and Gonthier suits made from Swiss Chocolate. They cost £30,000 a piece and you can only wear them in cold climates. I wore one to 'Heatwave' which is a dance music event that takes place in the middle of summer, on the slope of an active volcano, in the South Pacific Ocean. The only way to get there is by helicopter. I ended up covered from head to foot in small grey lizards, who had been worked into a sexual frenzy by the smell of the melting chocolate. The ambient temperature of the magma welling up from the earth’s core was not my friend that night.

I went to Louise Mensch's birthday party by accident.”

The last time we went out in London, we somehow ended up at Louise Mensch's birthday party in New York! The Kings of Leon were there, but I didn't meet them. I don't really pay much attention to celebrities. My friend Clarissa told me that they are direct descendants of the French Royal Family, who fled to America to avoid persecution. I don't remember much about the evening as I was continually being distracted by my reflection in a champagne bottle.

I have revolutionised Lacrosse.”

If I'm in the country, I go for long walks around our private estate with my Tibetan Prayer Dogs. I obtained them from a monastery in Lhasa. When I told the Head Lama that I was going to rename the dogs 'Cameron' and 'Osborne' he poured petrol over his head and set himself on fire, which is how they express themselves religiously in this part of the world. The fleas on a Tibetan Prayer Dog are regarded as sacred. Of course I had both animals thoroughly deloused before they were allowed to lay one paw inside the house.

I hope to play more Lacrosse this season. Last year I was hopeless as my cashmere scarf kept getting in the way. My secret weapon this year is a 'scarf frame' that will allow me to play without it getting caught around my stick. I think it's fair to say that I've revolutionised the sport.

I've been to 18 five-star hotels in the past year.”

One thing that you immediately notice in these places is how clean and healthy the clientèle are. I'm sure that if everyone made the effort to visit a health spa once a week, and increased the amount of lobster and turbot in their diet, then they wouldn't need to go to hospital so much, and we could spend less money on the NHS.

I am planning to enter the hotel business, as my current career as a DJ wont finance my lifestyle. I mostly play Dubstep, which is dance music made by poor people from the east end of London. I source all my records from Milan, as that is where all the really high quality Dubstep is made. The really good records have artwork, where-as the budget range comes in plain white sleeves.

Mummy's been really supportive of my music. She says that she wants to vinyl with me for her 50th birthday. Father has some contacts on the Conservative front benches so I've asked him if he can put me in touch with somebody from The Ministry of Sound.”

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