Saturday, 18 May 2013

I cannot increase the size of your penis

Recently this blog has become a popular online destination for people (mostly men, I assume) who wish to increase the size of their penises by the sum of 2-4 inches.

I imagine that they are rather disappointed when, instead of an inventory of willy-enlarging lotions and tonics, diagrams of strategically suspended weights, or an invitation to join a prayer circle that will lobby Jesus, they are faced with page upon page of complete and utter bollocks, authored by someone whose sense of humour clearly stopped maturing at around the ages of 8 or 9.

I cannot apologise enough if you approached this blog imagining a Karate Kid-style montage, in which I help you to lengthen your truncated male genitalia by means of a series of implausible exercises, such as waxing my car (not a euphemism) or painting my fence (definitely not a euphemism).

Unfortunately I cannot make your penis any bigger than it already is when fully erect. Furthermore, it is not my place to do so. We need only turn to the book of Genesis, chapter one, verses 27-28, to confirm that there is nothing in the Judeo-Christian creationist myth that explicitly mentions God granting man or womankind dominion over penises.

The quote below is taken from the King James version of The Bible, which is my preferred edition of this holy text:

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”

No doubt, there are some who will argue that the penis falls into the category of living things that “moveth upon the earth”. I would counter-claim that the secondary purpose of the penis (after assisting in the act of pro-creation) is surely to maketh the earth move.

I strongly maintain that there is not a man, living or dead, who has ever achieved total mastery over his penis, as such a thing is not possible. My own penis asserts its independence from the rest of my body on a daily basis, while never quite achieving total autonomy. In this regard it is a bit like the Catalonia region of Spain.

I understand that there is tremendous social pressure to adhere to a certain idealised body type, and that most of us will fall well short of this platonic ideal. For men, the seeds of expectation are sown very early in life, around the time when one is first taught the words to the song: My Friend Billy Had A Ten-Foot Willy.

We must remember that, far from being a celebration of rampant throbbing masculinity, this song is in fact an exploration of the drawbacks to being born with a freakishly enormous cock. If we follow the narrative in the lyrics we see that Billy's penis suffers a grievous injury after he shows it to the girl next door who, under the impression that she is being attacked by a giant snake, savages it with a garden rake, reducing it in size by well over half. The song concludes with Billy deprived of the sensitive tip of his penis. Even taking into account this amputation, he would still have to stand a considerable distance away from any sexual partner in order to comfortably penetrate them. The criminal charges that will arise from him exposing himself to his next-door neighbour, will result in him being forced to sign the sexual offenders register. Given the proximately of his home to that of his victim's, it is likely that a condition of his release into society is that he seeks alternative accommodation elsewhere. In summary, a cock so large that it can mistaken for a snake, is as much a curse as it is a blessing – a double-edged pork sword, if you will.

The drive towards self-improvement is a noble one, however there are limits and certain things about ourselves that we must learn to accept, regardless of what others might say. Anyone who tries to make you ashamed of the person you are isn't worth a fuck in any sense of the word.

Remember Mr Miyagi's bonsai (again, not a euphemism) from The Karate Kid (Part III)? People in that film went through all kinds of shit to get their hands on that tiny tree. Seriously, they couldn't get enough of it. Take heart from this my poorly-endowed friends. Do not lose hope.

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