Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Flying Ant colonies were grounded during the London 2012 Olympic Games

Flying Ant colonies were grounded during the London 2012 Olympic Games

Ant colonies in Hackney were ordered to forgo their annual nuptial flight during the 2012 Olympics under threat of military action, according to leaked documents.

The flight which takes place every year during the summer has been described as a cross between the Notting Hill Carnival and a bacchanalian Club 18-30 holiday. Scantily-clad, winged ant queens are pursued by gangs of males across the capital's skies where they engage in spectacular group sex before descending upon the city and establishing new colonies in more desirable postcodes.

However the flight was deemed a high security risk by games organisers and was prevented from going ahead in a secret court hearing. According to documents seen by this reporter the military were under orders to use Rapier High Velocity ground to air missile batteries, stationed on the roofs of tower blocks around the Olympic site, to shoot down any colonies who strayed into the airspace over the Olympic park.

Corporal Henry Moore said: “It was felt that an opening ceremony that included both her Majesty the Queen and home-grown grime artist Dizzee Rascal might present too tempting a target for dissident ant colonies. Therefore we decided to err on the side of caution.”

Ant community leader David Chapman said “The nuptial flight is the second-most important date on the ant calender after ant Christmas which we celebrate in September. Instead of taking to the air my winged colleagues were forced to march in single file to predesignated colony sites, under the cro-magnon gaze of G4S security personnel.”

He added:

“It was particularly galling since ants supported the Olympic bid only to be be informed at the beginning of 2012 that they would be ineligible to compete in any of the events.”

Ant worker Kevin Titman expressed regret at the decision to ground colonies:

“I look forward to flying ant day as an opportunity to get mildly intoxicated with my mates on some sex pheromones and engage in some good natured airborne shagging. You can imagine how annoyed we all were when told by organisers that we were going to do a sponsored walk instead. I spent all year making my winged costume. I am trying to sell it on Ebay if anyone is interested.”

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