Sunday, 8 June 2014

Science hooligans

(I have written a poem on the delicate topic of hooliganism in science)

Science Hooligans

Science hooligans
demonstrate the action
of gravity, momentum
and air resistance
on a solid object
with a hurled brick.

Science hooligans
graffitied Einstein's
theory of general relativity
on the side of a train
bound for the
Newtonian stronghold
of West Acton.

Science hooligans
reanimated the
dessicated carcass of
Jeremy Bentham.

Science hooligans
work out ways
to magnetise things that
don't want to be magnetised
such as lettuce
and the football pundit
Adrian Chiles.

Science hooligans
wait until it's dark
and Adrian Chiles is asleep.
They cover him with spoons
and metal objects
and attach him to a
girder on the Forth Bridge

Adrian Chiles
makes £500 in one hour
as a magnetic spoon-man sculpture.
He donates the money
to the local air ambulance fund
and wins the Turner Prize.

He never comes down
from the bridge.

“I am art now,” he says.

ITV send a film crew
to record his thoughts
on the forthcoming match
between Crewe Alexandra
and Gillingham.

“Adrian is in our thoughts.
We hope that he will
come down from the
bridge soon,”
says Lorraine Kelly
from a sofa in the ITV
studios in London.

She fixes the camera
with a concerned expression
before moving on to talk about
the friendly bacteria
who live in pots of yoghurt.

Science hooligans
have peer-reviewed
your current relationship.

Science hooligans
say your methodology
is flawed:

The evidence gathered from the
Large Hadron Collider
does not support your hypothesis
that you will still be with
Gemma this time next year .

Science hooligans
found the creationist magazines
under your mattress.
and the watercolour drawing you did
showing Noah shaking hands
with a dinosaur.

Science hooligans -
always out to push the boundaries 
of universal laws
and break down paradigms.

Science hooligans
will not drop their test tubes
and Bunsen burner
and lie face down on
the ground.

Science hooligans
are unable to form
ionic bonds
with the metallic elements
in a standard
police-issue bullet.

Science Hooligans
are mostly dead
by the age of 24.

Pour a forty of
sulphuric acid
on the curb
for science hooligans,
keepin' it theoretical.

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